Why Anger, Irritability, and Rage Show Up in Perimenopause.

One of the things I hear women say all the time after 40 is:

“I just don’t feel like myself anymore.”

And honestly?
I understand that deeply because I’ve been there too.

Around 2021, I was in my mid-40s, and I was really struggling emotionally. We were in the middle of COVID, my kids were younger, stress levels were through the roof, and when I look back now, I can clearly see that perimenopause was playing a huge role in what I was experiencing.

Although at the time, I had no idea that’s what was going on. 

The Darker Side of Perimenopause Nobody Talks About

I recently went back and read through some old journal entries from that season of my life, and I was surprised by how much I had forgotten.

Some of those entries were really dark.

There were moments when I felt hopeless and emotionally exhausted. I even wrote that I sometimes felt like I didn’t want to be here anymore.

Now I want to be clear:
I never had plans to harm myself.

But I was overwhelmed.
Completely emotionally depleted.
And I remember thinking:
“I just dodn’t want to have to carry all of this anymore.”

I know many women quietly experience thoughts like this during perimenopause and never talk about them.

How I Was Coping (And Why It Made Things Worse)

During that season, I was also using alcohol to cope with stress.

I remember one journal entry where I wrote that I had drank an entire bottle of wine the night before.

At the time, it felt like it was helping me relax, take the edge off and calm down.

But knowing what I know now?
It was actually making everything worse.

Alcohol affects:

• sleep

• hormones

• mood

• anxiety

And in perimenopause, our bodies simply don’t tolerate stressors the same way they used to.

My Marriage Felt Like It Was Falling Apart

Around that same time, my marriage was struggling too.

There was tension everywhere.
We were both stressed.
The world felt heavy.
Every little thing irritated me.

I remember feeling like we were constantly walking on eggshells around each other.

Silent treatments.
Snapping at each other.
Feeling emotionally disconnected.

And it scared me.

I remember sleeping in another room one night thinking:
“Are we even going to survive this?”

Looking back now, I can see so clearly that I wasn’t just “crazy” or “too emotional.”

My hormones were changing.
My nervous system was overloaded.
I was emotionally exhausted.
And I didn’t understand what was happening in my body.

So how could I expect my husband to understand it either?

What Actually Helped Me

What eventually helped us work through that season was communication.

And communication has never been easy for us.

Talking about feelings has always been hard for me. I grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t really discussed openly. You were expected to “suck it up” and move on.

But eventually, my husband and I started having real conversations about:

• What I was feeling and needed

• What he was feeling and needed 

• And how overwhelmed we both were

That changed everything.

And around that same time, I also started learning about functional medicine and truly supporting my body through nutrition, stress reduction, nervous system support, and lifestyle changes.

That’s when things slowly began shifting.

Why Rage and Irritability Happen in Perimenopause

One of the biggest things I wish women understood is this:

There’s a physiological reason you may feel more angry, irritable, emotional, or overwhelmed right now.

This is not a weakness.

Here are some of the biggest reasons this happens:

1. Estrogen Fluctuations Affect Your Brain

Estrogen doesn’t just slowly decline in perimenopause.

It spikes.
It crashes.
It fluctuates wildly.

And estrogen plays a major role in regulating:

• serotonin

• dopamine

• GABA

These are some of the calming and mood-supporting neurotransmitters in the brain.

So when estrogen crashes, it can feel like:

• zero patience

• emotional overwhelm

• sudden anger

• sadness

• anxiety

• feeling emotionally “all over the place”

It’s almost like your nervous system loses its emotional buffer.

2. Your Stress Bucket Is Already Full

Between the ages of 30 and 40, many women carry an overwhelming amount of responsibility.

You may be:

• raising kids

• supporting aging parents

• managing a demanding career

• navigating relationship shifts

• handling financial pressure

• dealing with chronic stress

And during perimenopause, your tolerance for stress changes.

The things you used to handle more easily suddenly feel overwhelming because your body simply does not have the same stress resilience it once had.

This is often when women start realizing:
“I can’t keep living this way.”

3. Blood Sugar Swings Affect Your Mood

This one is huge and so overlooked. Blood sugar is simply the amount of sugar (fuel) circulating in your bloodstream that your body uses for energy. When your blood sugar is steady, you tend to feel more energized, focused, and calm, but when it spikes too high or drops too low, you can feel tired, shaky, anxious, irritable, or crave sugar and carbs.

Your brain runs primarily on glucose for fuel.

So when blood sugar crashes:

• patience disappears

• emotions rise

• anxiety increases

• irritability skyrockets

• everything feels harder

And many women unintentionally make this worse by:

• skipping meals

• under-eating

• running on coffee

• not eating enough protein

I always tell women:
You cannot expect your nervous system to feel calm when your body is under-fueled.

4. Sleep Deprivation Lowers Emotional Tolerance

Poor sleep affects everything.

When we don’t sleep well:

• emotions feel bigger

• patience gets shorter

• cravings increase

• stress tolerance drops

• everything feels more intense

And even one bad night of sleep can make small annoyances feel unbearable.

This is why protecting sleep in midlife becomes so important.

The People-Pleasing Pattern Many Women Need to Break

One thing I’ve realized through both my own journey and working with women is this:

So many women have spent decades taking care of everyone else while ignoring themselves.

We over-give.
We suppress feelings.
We avoid conflict.
We say yes when we want to say no.
We push through exhaustion.

And eventually the body rebels.

Anger often becomes the signal that something inside of you needs attention.

Not because you’re a bad person, but because you’re depleted.

Small Things That Can Help

If you’ve been feeling emotionally overwhelmed lately, here are a few gentle things that can help support your nervous system:

Step Outside and Breathe

Even 10 minutes outside can help regulate your nervous system.

Put your phone away.
Take slow breaths.
Ask yourself:
“What do I need right now?”

That simple pause matters more than you think.

Try Box Breathing

This is one of my favorite simple nervous system tools:

• inhale for a count of 4

• hold your breath for a count of 4

• exhale for a count of 4

• hold for a count of 4

You can literally do this:

• in the car

• at work

• during a stressful conversation

• before reacting emotionally

It helps calm the nervous system surprisingly quickly.

Take an Honest Look at Alcohol

If your anxiety, sleep, or irritability have been worse lately, try reducing alcohol for a few days and notice how you feel.

Many women are shocked by how much better they feel emotionally when they cut back.

Ask Yourself Where You’re Over-Giving

Sometimes anger reveals where we’ve abandoned ourselves.

Where are you constantly pouring into everyone else while ignoring your own needs?

That question alone can be incredibly powerful.

You Are Not Broken

If you’ve been feeling more emotional, reactive, exhausted, angry, or overwhelmed lately, I want you to know this:

There is nothing “wrong” with you.

Your body is going through a massive hormonal and neurological transition.
Your nervous system is asking for support, and your emotions are not random.

You deserve grace in this season.
You deserve support.
And you deserve to feel like yourself again.

Hi there, I’m Jenny

I’m a Board Certified Functional Medicine Health Coach, podcast host, wife, mom of two teens, and lover of nature, farmers' markets, and a really good cup of coffee.  After struggling with weight gain, anxiety, low energy, and brain fog after turning 40, I discovered a simpler, more sustainable approach to health through functional medicine and lifestyle changes. Now, I help women over 40 navigate perimenopause with realistic strategies that support hormones, energy, mood, sleep, and confidence, so they can finally feel like themselves again.

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